|
[09 Aug 2002|07:00am] |
|
Test.. test.. hmm
|
|
| Ugh.... |
[20 Mar 2002|11:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 groggy |
] |
..... I did not really expect this to happen. But, I guess with the depressing events in this castle, it was..unavoidable.
The Doctor advised me to stay in bed and just relax. To be honest, that is not possible for me. I still need to do things. I need to worry about things, otherwise who would?
This has made me realize how futile the work I am doing is... i am not remembering anything..... Maybe I should just ask that King if he has any, any work for me at all just to keep this dratted mind of mine occupied....
....Even though I cannot really call that falling in love, I have a feeling I should never allow myself to fall in love at all...........
By the way, that doctor, I think he's pretty much figured out why this is happening to me... I just really, really hope he shuts his mouth about it..........
Goddess, I'm groggy...
|
|
|
[18 Mar 2002|10:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
...All the happenings in this castle might be enough to make someone like me sick.
I do not know.. maybe it's just because of what I saw while walking around the halls....
I saw her.... and him....
I guess I didn't really have much of a chance anyway... Besides... I don't need these things.. I don't deserve these things...
...And I am dying....
I refuse to say anymore....
|
|
| ...Gone |
[13 Mar 2002|03:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the cold shadows of my room......... |
] |
..He's gone... I went to check him earlier.... and.. he's gone. The cell.. it is now empty.....
It might seem funny, checking on him this late at night... but....
I wonder how that King will react..... it is strange though.. I feel like.... I feel like... something.... is wrong...
I shall tell the King about this tomorrow.... so.. as much as I hate it... I might have to risk my life by actually going out of my room.........
Goddess.... how did this happen?
((OOC: Bah.. I'm back... meep.. sorry.. between the holidays, periodical exams, Suikoden II, and my computer loosing the capability to save password... I guess... I wasn't able to update my journals.. but hey.. I'm back..... I'm sorry ~_~))
|
|
| Why was I born? |
[24 Feb 2002|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The ticking of the clock |
] |
I think my life is.... useless.......
I don't know.... I just don't know anymore.... It is true, Relm is spending less and less time with me now. And more and more time with her grandfather.
It leaves me to think once more, and to evaluate my life. Why was I born? And if.. I ever had a past.
What if I'm chasing... nothing. What if I was just nothing more but a created human being. A failure. Someone not even human?
What if.... I was meant to live a life of pain and misery.. cursed forever for a crime.....
..I do not know.....
Why... won't that Edred just come? End it all. He wants it badly, he wants me dead. Why won't *he* just come?
I'll be waiting.
Perhaps... he knows the answers.....
But... I decided onto doing one thing. And that is to remain in the path I have chosen. I want to remain in the right. I swear, I will not return to the darkness, not anymore, just because of... of... this.....
I am led to believe though, that.... some people, are meant to be born and to die in misery. That is all.
|
|
| ....... |
[20 Feb 2002|04:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I........ nevermind..... I deserve how that knight treated me, that retainer.....
I should ask for a trial after this--you see, even I... I think I've lost my pity for my own life........
........Maybe.... I should just spend this whole afternoon painting in my room. Relm, afterall is with her grandfather, enjoying herself.... I do believe...... I hope....
|
|
| Relm |
[12 Feb 2002|04:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
She's been such a good help. And... I just... There's this feeling... I'm rather guilty for thinking of this,
Can I be his uncle?
I mean... can I be there, just... just normal.. just... a really close friend.
In these past few weeks, I'll be honest, I'm getting nervous like heck. Will that Edred come, and just.....
You know what, I can't help thinking, did the Godesses.... did they let me live to give me a second chance, or is it to show me hot it is to feel human pain? I just don't know.
I've been making a bit of progress when it comes to my memories. I've been remembering things, simple things like myself shining some of my daggers.... myself just looking out of the window, watching life.
So far, I haven't had a memory including someone in it, yet...
And I've been feeling very well too, and am determined to prove myself reformed. Not for that retainer, or anyone... just.. to myself, perhaps, and Relm. It's just... I want to protect her, just....
Ah, yes, that's thanks to Relm. One of these days, I'm going to paint a perfect portrait just for you.
((OOC: And I woke up, and realized, I haven't been updating my journals......... Oh well.. here I go, let me update a WHOLE LOT!))
|
|
|
[06 Feb 2002|04:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
....I'm not feeling too well. That is very visible, and obvious. I was on my way to talk to the King earlier when I ended up collapsing on the ground, cold.
When did the sickness start? In the middle of my conversation with that Clyde. I excused myself when I felt it then...
I was out for several hours according to them. I'm really getting tense here... What if I die before...
No... I shouldn't really think of that, not yet, that is. I did find out and noticed some things...
One thing I simply cannot understand though is why that Clyde kept looking at me in a very uncomfortable way.... I think I need more rest... I'm starting to get dizzy....
|
|
|
[04 Feb 2002|09:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
A man by the name of Strago is still conversing with Clyde at the moment. And I? I am here in my room, alone, trying to piece some pieces....
Why do I have a feeling that that king will come any minute soon to ask me about Edred?
..... That Doman Retainer is here.... and that is exactlty the main reason I am locking myself in this room at the moment. I feel downright guilty, and yet unguilty so it makes me even more guilty.... I didn't make sense there, did I?
How would you react when you know, that out there is the man whose family, pretty much his life, you've killed?
Bad.
Ashamed.
Guilty....
...I wonder how Terra is at the moment.....
|
|
|
[04 Feb 2002|03:02pm] |
Well, we're here, safe and sound. It seems that this Clyde is here, I must meet him then.....
I should arrange an appointment....
|
|
|
[02 Feb 2002|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I'm making a quick entry; we're on our way to Figaro Castle, hopefully by tomorrow morning we'll make it....
Relm isn't the least bothered by what I'm doing, she's brought some of her Art supplies... And I can't help think if she has any idea of what's going on around her.
Whatever it is, I don't think I should sleep tonight..... We must make it to the castle as soon as we can. It's a relief those people didn't mistake me as for one of those imperials....
|
|
|
[01 Feb 2002|04:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
Something...... just... I don't know, I just need to get out of my mansion--maybe back to the Castle. I have this terrible feeling that Edred may come at any moment.........
......Goddess, and I'm going to be helpless........
Relm and I went on investigating around my mansion earlier though and we found some pretty intresting things. Letters, sketches, maps--they were in the basement, and guess who made them........
Clyde.
Relm couldn't believe it and she insisted on looking for more.
But, we need to get back to the castle, I know so. We're not so safe here, I know....... I saw Edred waiting by the garden last night........
He's waiting. We need to get back, one way or another....... And if I saw it right, there's an old Magitek Armour down there.........
|
|
|
[30 Jan 2002|11:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
I've just awakened, and from what Relm tells me, I just keeled while we were painting--without warning.
I'm getting frightened...... She says I've been out for a day.......
I'm going to die, am I not?
|
|
| Left |
[28 Jan 2002|08:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 satisfied |
] |
That gambler left us sometime ago, leaving me here, with Relm, and my household.
Relm is a very good companion, a fun one at that. I never thought I'll be able to enjoy life like this.... I apologized to her earlier about what I did to Thamasa, but she just shrugged and dragged me to paint with her.
Honestly, she is interesting. And, I can't help but have this hope that I wasn't so bad before I became the evil creature.... who slaughtered many and.... and brought pain.. so much pain.
I feel so amazingly undeserving of her friendship.
I guess it's time I wrote down some of the things Francis said about this Baram and his connection with Clyde-- I do believe that that gambler returned just to tell that King about this interesting information.
Clyde was Baram's good friend, his very good friend in fact. Clyde taught Baram 'things' while Baram taught him how to read and write..... Those things. Francis said a lot of things, but I don't think it is necessary to write it here. It is almost obvious what happens when you are good friends.
Clyde often came to take Baram to adventures and such, and with that, this Baram managed to escape his father. Francis did not mention anything about why his master avoided his father, though. But why does it matter?
And yes, there was Francis' mention about his master saying about how Clyde was mysterious in some ways. Those ways were how this Clyde seemed to know a place like the back of his hand even if it were just his first time there. That was interesting. Then there was... Francis wasn't clear about this. And he confessed that neither did he understand his master then.
Baram said something about Clyde being such a good talker that it seemed that everyone didn't have much choice but to agree with him.
....Yes, yes.. I'm coming. So much for this entry, it seems that that girl has a new idea of what to draw......
|
|
| Clyde, yet again |
[27 Jan 2002|07:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
That gambler is at the moment asking Francis about things... Actually, about Clyde.
It so happens that our little stow-away, Relm found a nice little piece of art hanging in the Art Room. And I have close to no idea how a painting of that Clyde got in there.
That gambler was dumbfounded himself -- and that's the very reason he hasn't left, yet.
According to Francis, Clyde was his former master's good friend.
And of course, I know who this old master is. This, Baram.
I swear, he mentions this, that gambler will begin giving me strange sideway glances.
I guess I'll just stay here for the rest of the day, playing with the piano... Though that might easily change, that girl insists that I paint with her.
Strange, that girl is, strange but overall, pleasant. I guess the world does need naive people, no matter what.
|
|
| Stow-away |
[25 Jan 2002|09:18am] |
Well, it seems that we have a stow-away, a young blonde at that.
The girl somehow managed to sneak in the airship without being noticed.
Nothing much happening though, but I believe, since now this girl is with us, things will happen...
|
|
|
[24 Jan 2002|11:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
It's strange; here I am flying to Jidoor, my mansion.. with that gambler.
I can't believe it's just been almost a month ago that man tried to kill me...
Perhaps he is desperate to find that general. Yes. Desperate?
This is what love does, isn't it? It makes you do things way beyond your own understanding. Love, is something I do not believe I've experienced.
I guess that gambler doesn't mind me at all playing on that piano. Playing, it gives me so much peace; it is like.... I express my very soul through music.
There is more to me than what meets the eye, huh?
I had an abrupt conversation with that gambler earlier, though. He asked me about things, like why I saved the general and why I'm not so insane anymore.
The man was full of questions.
I had close to no answers.
What am I? I wasn't born, I was given life to kill.... Maybe these memories that cause conflicts in my mind... they're just implanted there in my blasted mind.
To control me?
But why.. why is it that only now they surface?
|
|
| Away |
[21 Jan 2002|11:52am] |
I'm going to Jidoor, back to my mansion for awhile, to investigate things. That was the place they first took me in.. when I was finally free...
That was where they gave me their finishing touches.... the needles.... the infusions.... the most horrible ones.. they occured there.
I hope when I come back things will be still the same... no.. more like... safe.......
I hope they decide not to try and get Terra yet...........
|
|
| Empire |
[20 Jan 2002|07:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
Maranda was captured last night, news of it came today. I think that King must come out of the library soon.....
.....The Imperial Forces, it's growing; with General Celes in it.
According to the messenger, she was with them, fighting, burning houses with them. Now, I know that general will not be able to do that unless they brainwashed her.....
Great, the succeeded where I failed.
If only I can..... I can fight them... just.....
Somehow, being sane and all, it can be a pain. You're aware of everything around you.
Being insane, the only thing that matters is you. You. You. Me. Me.Me. Everything else are just tools.
It was like I was the center of the universe.
Now, I'm sane. Now, I'm meeting that psychologist again. I certainly need to clear my mind.
|
|
| Pain |
[17 Jan 2002|10:26pm] |
|
I feel like my insides are tearing me....
I feel.... feel... pain.... Ugh.. I never asked for this. How did that Edred manage to slip into my room anyway?
He... he had the same abilities as...Xeion. He managed to pain me a bit.. But he confessed that his powers can never be like Xeion's...........
He was carrying a whole set of daggers.. and he challenged me into a duel. I tried to reason.... haha... Kefka, reasoning, ironic, huh?
But as he dug that dagger into the wood of my desk.... and he began to dig deeper.....
I knew.. I knew I had no other choice but to fight.
He forced me to draw out hidden strengths... whoever expected me to be able to fight like.. like....a ninja... or thief of some sort.....
It reminded me of how that Xeion.... that Clyde fight. and honestly.... it.. it...were almost the same.
He wanted me dead, but said he couldn't kill me. Not yet.
That I had brought pain into his life, made him into a failure.
Now, I don't know what happened.. or whatever got into his mind.. but he kept calling me.. 13.....
13.
.... And all this.. all this is taking it's toll in to mind.......
I feel horrible... like I can die any minute.....
That man will kill me, I swear.... without even fighting me......
I have a feeling.. I must.... must....... find myself out.. before he kills me by doing so himself...
I..... *faints*
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lord_kefka's journal